As If You Have A Choice (Alex)

[Celvi Gray]

At least they were past accusing each other. That didn’t mean Celvi liked this outcome of things any more than a few minutes previous, but at least she was not constantly defending herself any more for a crime she had not committed. If he believed her or if he simply let the matter drop was hard to say. In that, how much he probably would deny it if she eve voiced it, Alexander Redwood was a courtier also. It made her sad beyond belief, this whole affair. Why in Runnori’s name was she cursed with a too ambitious aunt who undoubtedly was the helping hand behind it all? And she dearly wished as well someone else had been accompanying the princess on her fateful riding trip a few weeks ago, because the ensuing events had drawn too much unwelcome attention to her persona and name. Before she had stood up for her princess, the mere suggestion of her being eligible as a wife of the Grand Duke would surely have been laughed off.

But what’s done is done, and what’s won is won… and was what’s lost really lost forever? Due to a little gust of wind, music wafted through the thick curtain, reaching the ears of the despaired pair. The reminiscence of a similar moment, shared just a little while ago with the man she secretly loved on a similar balcony after an enchanted dance made Celvi’s eyes sting with uncried tears. How could your world turn from light to darkness within such little time? She leaned further back into the shadows to mask the surge of despair until she could control her facial expression once again. She would need more time to think. Until the announcement she had been firm as a rock that no force in the world would ever be able to keep her away from Chase. Now… things had changed, but she was not ready to give up on him yet.

“I feel sorry for you Mylord”, Celvi mused and she meant it. “And don’t regard this as pity. Regard it as the reaction of someone who knows at least partly how you feel.” She still cursed the world and the Lamoran court in particular, but she did not curse him anymore. Who knew, maybe he even knew what it was like to not be able to marry the one he loved. Maybe he had hoped for a different match to be made, perhaps there was someone in the mass amount of ladies trying to get his attention he really liked. Despite all she had claimed, Celvi knew very well she did not know her fiancé at all. She might guess at his character, but in that disturbing encounter in the library she thought to have caught a glimpse of what he might be as well: a misunderstood man, unbelievable pressure in the shape of his name and rank weighing him down.

His try to make at least a few concessions to the situation made a little spark of sympathy flame up in Celvi, and so her answering little laugh was only tinted with a hint of bitterness when she said: “You call me a courtier and then a little while later cast doubt on my ability to feign happiness? Not very consistent, don’t you think? Or might it be I finally convinced you otherwise?” Celvi took a deep, calming breath and looked once again up to the stars. “We met over battle tactics, remember? What does Auric say again in his chapter about camouflage? We might need his advice.”
Yes indeed, this was a battle, at least in Celvi’s eyes. Maybe the only and the most persistent she would ever fight at the same time.

[Grand Duke Alexander Redwood]

She felt sorry for him. The gall of it all! How dare she pity him? For pity it was, though she denied it. The lady had no inkling of how he felt. How could she? She wasn't born to lofty heights, raised from the cradle to assume high rank and all that attended it. She thought she knew how he felt. Wasn’t she the terribly naive one! No one except his parents could fathom the depth of his feelings. She would grow to understand, now that they were betrothed and later when they were wed. Marrying into high rank would not be easy on her, he thought. She was far too wilful and unskilled at a courtier’s life to assume the role of grand duchess comfortably. It would chafe at her, as his duties did with him. At first it would seem wonderful – and it often was, especially compared to the lives of the people below them – but with rank came responsibility. Being a grand duke not always been such a deathly duty, but the war made it almost inevitable that he would live past a certain age. To Celvi, he merely replied, with a smirk: "As you say." It was clear he didn't believe her.

"I am attempting to take you at your word, Lady Celvi," Alex said, a bit stiffly. Sweet Runnori, she was a prickly one! Was there a word uttered from his lips that would ever please her? He thought the stars would probably desert the heavens before such a thing came to pass. At least her next words were something of a concession. The word "we" was even employed. For better or worse, they were in this mess together, weren't they?

His expression turned wry at the mention of battle tactics. "I do not think Auric meant his tactics to be used off the battlefield, to be honest. For this situation we might refer to another, less renowned tactician. Are you familiar with Lady Astrid's In the Court of Her Majesty?" His mother had had a copy that his father (displeasing as the prospect was to him) had passed down to Alex. Inside was inscribed: To Sasha, may this tome be a guide to your royal heritage. It was a somewhat obscure volume – apparently someone in the intervening century had seen most copies of it destroyed due to a section dealing with royal dalliances – so his question was rather genuine.

"She would advise us to return, give them a show. Take a turn about the floor with glowing faces. Leave no one in doubt that we are absolutely estatic to be betrothed. And then one of us will excuse ourselves – you may, if you like – and we shall meet occasionally from thence on, as befits a betrothed couple. And after the wedding, produce an heir and a spare. And then you may retire to one of my estates, if you like." Lady Astrid actually advised that each spouse might do as they liked once childbearing was through, but Alex's honor would not allow him to consider having an affair once he’d said vows before the sight of the gods and men. And of course Celvi never would… right? The plan sounded terribly practical – and not a whit romantic. He didn't think Runnori smiled on him tonight, nor ever. And all knew Morris to be a capricious god at best. "What say you, my lady?" His tone the entire time had been a commander explaining a plan to his men, but now it changed to have a bittersweet edge. His aunt had signed his life away, and he was not happy about it.

[Celvi Gray]

Goodness, wasn’t he the testy one?! The Grand Duke really made quite the effort of regarding her solely as a nuisance and an enemy, a personal insult to his formely assumed freedom and whatnot. If he wanted to constantly have his quills stand on end around her, well so could she! None of this was her fault, but ever since they had met in that cursed library on that double cursed day, they both had made a sport out of constantly blaming each other for everything. If there had ever been a match made in hell, it would be this one! And it wasn’t even like Celvi wanted to be the nagging shrew. More than once she had tried to extend a figurative hand in truce, but her fiancé always chose to get it wrong and turn it into another personal insult. It felt like constantly walking on eggshells, or on knife’s edge, and before the week was through, Celvi suspected she would be disabled by bloody feet.

Then again, self-pity wouldn’t help her either. An innumerous amount of women had suffered the same fate before her and sadly enough an equally large amount would probably follow after. Even in a country that had been ruled by queens for centuries, women still were to be wed to their families’ greatest advantage, regardless of their feelings. How silly she had been to think her life would be different.
“Frankly, Mylord, you might be right if you think I don’t know a thing about you and your life”, she said with a little relenting sigh. “But you are not the only one having to live up to high standards from an early age. Does the name Dagmara Belet ring a bell with you?”
The thought of her aunt like always sent a painful lurch through her guts. It always made her feel like she never could be good enough to stand before these sharp and critical eyes.

Celvi couldn’t help herself, she listened intently when he elaborated their tactic and she felt like soldier listening to his commander before launching an attack. “I can’t say I’ve ever read this volume”, she admitted, “but I heard some interesting rumors about it.”
For once in her life she didn’t even mind him taking the lead, because he clearly was the most experienced in such fields of action, even if the battle at courts was so much different from that on a battlefield. He might deny constantly to be a courtier, but she had an inkling he could play them all at their own game very well once he really tried.
On the other hand, every word he spoke felt like another bar was clicking into place, forming an unbreakable cage around the wild bird that was Celvi Gray. She was becoming a duchess, so the cage was considerably gilded, but even a gilded cage was still a cage.

In the end, she took another deep breath and nodded slowly. “What other chance is there, Mylord? Whether we like it or not, the queen has spoken her will. All we can do is try and make the best of it.” His words echoed in her mind. “…an heir and a spare. And then you may retire to one of my estates, if you like.” She couldn’t help it, even the sheer thought of what these few simple words contained, her having to share his bed for a while, sent a lurch through her whole body in a mix of revulsion, fear and oddly enough slightest excitement about the unknown.
“And who knows”, she mused in another show of hopeful naivety, “maybe over time we might learn to at least not hate the sheer sight of one another.” She would never love him, of that she was sure. A mutual respect and comradeship was all they could hope for and even those hopes were high

.

[Grand Duke Alexander Redwood]

Dagmara Belet… Nope, the name didn't strike a note with him at all. Then again, Alex didn’t exactly make a policy of knowing courtiers' names. The less he remembered of them, the less they could demand in the way of favors and such. Besides, they all knew who he was as soon as he entered a room due to his cursed blond locks, so why even bother? They didn't mind reintroducing themselves time and time again in efforts to ingratiate themselves. In fact, it was remarkable that he even remembered Celvi herself at all! It had taken that meeting in the library for her to distinguish herself from the swarm of ladies ever surrounding his cousin, but he had known exactly who she was tonight.

"I can't say it does," Alex answered with a dismissive shrug. "And if I don’t know her, she can’t be terribly important." He knew a handful of courtiers, of course. The young men his age, the women he'd bedded (he had a small notebook to keep track as well), and of course the actually important nobles at court, the ones who had the queen's ear or held important positions in the government of the realm. Whoever the woman was (probably some overbearing relation or mentor, from his fiancee's tone), he wondered if Celvi realized that the woman now had no influence over her behavior.

He smirked, partially from his previous thought and also at the conspiratorial turn their conversation was taking. "My mother had a copy, which she passed down to me. I’ll lend it to you, this Daggy woman be damned. I'll not have one of my men – that is, my fiancee," he corrected himself with a chagrined look, "going into a situation blindly." He glanced toward the velvet curtains that separated them from the gleaming throngs. "And believe me, you have no idea what it is to be of royal blood until you have lived it." He was being dismissive of her experiences, but it wasn’t malicious on his part. He'd say the same to any soldier of his that had yet to see action. There were some things in life that had to be experienced in order to be understood.

What other choice did they have? Alex could see none, except the balcony railing and the air below it… A vision ran through his head, his mother walking off the edge in a whirl of white silk (as he imagined it, being too young and moreover not present to remember)... He pushed off the marble with a slight, muted hiss, as if he had been burned, and walked over to Celvi. At her last words, he laughed, a short mocking "ha!" "Aren't you ever the optimist," Alex remarked, shaking his head slightly. He stooped to grab his mask, discarded in a fit of frustration earlier, and replaced it on his head. His black eyes glittered through the holes in the fox mask, rendering the sardonic touch to his lips enigmatic. There was a reason women liked the grand duke, beyond his titles and wealth. He had the self-assured swagger of one born into rank and a disdain that paradoxically made people crave his approval.

"Shall we?" Alex asked, offering his arm to the lady. The noise from within seemed to grow louder, although perhaps that was just his imagination.

[Celvi Gray]

Indeed, so he had no idea who she was talking about? Not that it should surprise Celvi all that much, it was just the tone of voice her fiancé used that irked her to no end. All that she read between the lines was: why should a minor noble interest me? He was showing her her place again, implicitely brought up the matter of her inferior birth, and that alone was enough to make the flame of annoyance reach high up again.
“She might not be important to you”, Celvi answered with a tone of nearly crackling ice. “But she is more widely known as the “Manners Witch”, because nothing, neither status nor anything else will save you from being critized for any blemish in your courteous behaviour. She is the widow of the deceased Count Alistor Belet, if that name at least rings any bells. And she is my aunt, practically raised me instead of my mother.” She shrugged, halfway suspecting he had stopped listening a while ago. “So if I know anything it’s the pressure of keeping up a perfect appearance while being under constant surveillance of most critical eyes almost every single hour of the day.”

A quick chuckle forced its way through Celvi’s lips despite the situation. That was always the oddity of the encounters with the Grand Duke. Most of the time they were at each other’s throats, but there were some few seconds in every run-in they had that could almost be called conspiratorial and understanding. Soon enough though, the eternal circle of accusations, misunderstandings and annoyance would take up speed again, and they would be back where they started. It was surely trying for both mind and mood, and if this was how her life was to be in the future, Celvi had not the slightest idea how she would stand it.
“Daggy woman… my my, good thing she can’t hear that”, she mused more to herself than in actual answer to his comment. His slip of the tongue would almost be comical had the matter not been so serious. So he was drawing lines again. He was the commander and she was to obey, placed beneath him on a clear scale. Not that it was supposed to be different in any other marriage. The freebird would simply have to accept that his captivity in the gilded cage was terminal. “I’ll read it for sure”, she nodded, resigning to the inevitable, but taking up a slight jab at him nevertheless, a tiny uproaring of her fey nature. “And I would never dream of questioning your precise orders, comman-- , pardon, Mylord Fiancé!”
Fiancé… the word just rubbed so wrong. Would she ever get used to it? Well, perhaps on the day the word fiancé turned into ‘husband’, then she would surely wish it back.

For a moment he seemed far away, and Celvi cocked her head in wonder at what he might be thinking. It couldn’t be something pleasant, as he shook himself from it by force. Had he been on the battlefield? But his last comment had not been about war, it had been about the experience of being of royal blood… Once again she couldn’t help but wonder what lied behind these eyes, what they had seen and what they knew. But as things were right now it was highly unlikely he ever would draw the curtain back for her, and if she was completely honest, she had to admit she was merely curious of the mystery, not concerned about his wellbeing.
When he slipped on his mask and looked at her, Celvi was reminded of another fact. Oh yes, he WAS handsome, he was powerful and he had that air about him that surely made other women want his WHOLE attention. Recently the lady had tasted enough of the forbidden fruit to at least understand now where they came from. If things were different, she might have felt the same. But things weren’t different.

“Yes, let’s go”, she agreed with a barely surpressed sigh and tentatively placed her hand on his arm, working up the most content facial expression she could muster. Maybe thinking of what had passed between her and Chase just a little while ago instead would help? Drawing back the thick curtain with her free hand, she exchanged one last glance with her fiancé, squared her shoulders and stepped back into the ballroom, thinking the worst part was over.
She didn’t know there was another vicious blow yet to come.

[Grand Duke Alexander Redwood]

Alex couldn’t help but snort at her rather vehement retort. Clearly, this woman was terribly critical to the life of Lady Celvi Gray, but she was nothing more than another face in the crowd to the grand duke. The name of the widow’s husband rang a bell, but he must have died before Alex became a regular at court (or, despite his title of count, was never a terribly important person before), since he could not place a face (or any significance at all) with the name. “Be that as it may, I can’t say that any word from this woman has ever troubled my life.” The “manners witch”? She couldn’t have been all that terrible if Celvi had been raised by her. He expected a girl raised by such draconian hands to be disgustingly proper and subservient. And that, despite her other qualities, his fiancee most definitely was not. As she had proven on more than one occasion at this point.

“See, I told you,” or perhaps he hadn’t, “she clearly can’t be all that important otherwise I would have gotten her name right.” He grinned triumphantly. He was glad to get some mirth out of his bride-to-be. Perhaps there was a ray of hope there. Small as the tiniest star in the sky, but there nonetheless. Perhaps he would not be entirely miserable in this arrangement.

His smile twisted in self-deprecation as she mocked his slip of the tongue right back at him. The girl was at least not entirely without wit, either. “I’ll answer to either,” he quipped, looking down at her with a queerly amused glance. Celvi would certainly be the oddest recruit he’d ever taken on. And to think he was to act as instructor in navigating the court! He’d always imagined his fiancee would be far more suited to the role of grand duchess than he ever felt in his own rank. He’d been kept away from court for most of his life until his teenage years and never quite felt as at ease as the courtiers who had been raised in the milieu.

Strangely enough, behind his mask, it was simple to play the role assigned to him by birth and charm the whole den of vipers waiting for their re-emergence on the other side of that curtain. He disdained them with their grasping connivances and schemes, hidden behind gracious facades and flattery, but he could best them all at this game with the aid of his mask. Whether he was talking metaphorical or physically at this point, even he didn’t know.

Reluctant though she seemed, Celvi took his proffered arm with the lightest touch. She was faking content, but had all the passion of an icicle in touching him. He suppressed his annoyance and mirrored her action in drawing back the curtains. The court, having just concluded a dance, followed the lead of a few bystanders nearest the curtains and applauded at their entrance. Alex forced a broad smile on his face, thinking of the first time he’d won a word of praise from his father. Glancing up at her majesty, he couldn’t help but think that the night’s surprises were not quite over with. After all, the queen had yet to reveal her present for the princess. He raised his free hand to the crowd, acknowledging their adulation, and murmured between the bared teeth of his grin for Celvi’s ears only. “Remember, you’re terribly important now.” Just not important enough to choose your own spouse-to-be.

~ fin ~